and Jokes |
All new
The software is not compatible with previous versions.
Advanced design
Upper management doesn't understand it.
Breakthrough
It nearly booted on the first try.
Capability maturity model
A method of determining to what extent the developer can reasonably be blamed for the inevitable failure.
Cleanroom
A management technique that applies to horizontal interfaces what the mushroom technique applies to vertical interfaces.
Compiler
A tool for adding an exciting amount of uncertainty to the size, speed and correctness of a program.
Computer human interface
The means by which the program conditions the user into never trying all the things that don't work.
Cost modelling
A means of convincing the customer to pay for whomever you need to keep employed this year.
Customer
A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
Debugger
A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.
Design
The activity of preparing for a design review.
Design review
A process for ensuring you know exactly what it is you won't build.
Design simplicity
It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
Documentary hypothesis
The discredited notion that software is the outcome of a systematic and rational process of development, rather than the result of divine inspiration.
Documentation
A process for converting trees into entropy, usually applied to provide busywork for the people whose employment cannot be justified by cost modelling.
Domain
A class of applications where failure on one project gives you an advantage in bidding on the next.
Enhancement
Breaking what you did right and getting paid for it. [see also: maintenance]
Exclusive
We're the only ones who have the documentation.
Field tested
Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
Foolproof operation
All parameters are hard coded.
Formal verification
The construction of an incorrect proof isomorphic to an incorrect program.
Function point analysis
Cost modelling a program by what it won't do, rather than by how big it won't be.
Futuristic
It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
Incremental implementation
Delivering several partial products each for the price of a complete one.
It's here at last
We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
Maintenance
Fixing what you did wrong and getting paid for it. [see also: enhancement]
Maintenance free
It's impossible to fix.
Meets quality standards
It compiles without errors.
New
It comes in different colors from the previous version.
Performance proven
It works through beta test.
Programs
What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.
Programmer
One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.
Project management
The art of always knowing how badly you're doing your work and how late you're doing it.
Quality assurance
A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.
Real time
An attribute applied to software that's even more expensive than can be justified by cost modelling.
Requirements analysis
Determining what it is you can't do before failing to do it.
Requirements engineering
Convincing the customer to want what you think you can build.
Requirements review
Explaining what the customer won't get in language they don't understand.
Reuse
Using an existing product in a new context; especially as applied to proposals, resumes, disclaimers and excuses.
Revolutionary
The disk drives go round and round.
Satisfaction Guaranteed
We'll send you another copy if it fails.
Software engineer
One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.
Spiral model
A development model that allows you to fail in a small way several times over. [see also: waterfall model]
State-of-the-art
What we could do with enough money.
State-of-the-practice
What we can do with the money you have.
Stock item
We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
Structured walkthrough
The process whereby the false assumptions of one member become shared by an entire team.
Technology transition
Helping people replace old useless processes, methods and tools with new useless processes, methods and tools.
Testing
A process for ensuring that the product will work in all circumstances that anybody other than the user can imagine.
Total quality management
A way of teaching your managers five words of Japanese, without any risk that they will acquire an equivalent amount of competence.
Unprecedented performance
Nothing ever ran this slow before.
User
A harmless drudge.
Waterfall model
A development model that allows you to fail in a big way just once.
Years of development
We finally got one to work.